Slow roll

I’ve decided to spend the morning in bed: I made coffee more comfort than necessity. Added oat milk and a splash of coconut extract. Maybe I’ll just start buying the coconut milk from Trader Joe’s, do it all in one push. Although I do love the flavor the extract provides.

I am thinking particularly of my Grandma lately: I need to get out to her gravesite in California and to the ocean. More particularly I feel her spirit is with the ocean than in an urn in Garden Grove.

Today is a work day, but I am going to stay here as long as I can and seek comfort. Last night we were on tornado watch and it stormed most of the day yesterday pretty intently. The animals and I went to sleep to the sounds of lashing rain and thunder.

I am feeling beyond homesick: I HAVE to go. I’ll talk to Jamie again this weekend to see what the story is with her.

I told my therapist yesterday about flipping B’s mom off and she said it was likely “the right thing to do” and she “trusted my instincts.” I also told her that I was trying to take care of myself the way I would a child right now, and she said she also thought that was correct. If I need comfort I need comfort. So while going back to bed has NOT been my MO, and I am not particularly tired, I am doing it anyway.

I have oats on the stove and instead of eating them the “healthy” way I may just add butter and salt like my grandfather used to eat them, and my mother after him. I associate Grandma most with bacon or ham ‘n eggs or maybe pancakes.

I do have bacon. Oh, I dunno. I’ve become accustomed to my healthy oats, and sometimes I eat for shit the rest of the day. So maybe I’ll still do those. It reminds me of being near the central California coast for some reason: hippy oats.

My dreams have been more vivid of late. The other night I dreamt of an ocean, or rather beach, in a protected cove. The waves were heavy, and strong, but I was supposed to swim out between to sets of curved-in cliffs that protected the beach. And I had half a bottle of wine. For some reason the waves settled just enough when I had to swim out, so I did.

Tucked into another small cove on the other side of the cliffs were a series of cave rooms that had been turned into a day spa. There was a little bit of creepiness to it: like that movie “Old.” But I still went into explore. If I had to use my imagination I would say that someone had boated all the supplies out there, as they were just cave rooms inside a cliff. But it was a dream after all.

I was with a friend, a guy, who I couldn’t have told you that I know in real life. He had swum out a few feet away from me. The spa rooms were separated by sex so I went to one set of rooms and he to the other. I don’t remember much past that: the floors were wet from sea water as they were natural caves. It was a very strange experience.

I am feeling my grandmother’s presence strong with me today. I am feeling open and whole and better about things. I may make a BLT for lunch as bacon is not feeling right at this moment.

I still feel I need a different job. I talked to a guy yesterday about a potential detail that sounds appealing: I would love to do it. It would give me more flexibility in doing future projects, and it would get me into doing more research again.

I am going to get my oats, decided on healthy, make another cup of coffee, and read here in bed. Today will be a good day. The sun is already out.