Slow dawn

The remnants of Hurricane Ian are moving our way…I can see the trees tremble and have moved in some of the smaller items from the front porch.

Winds will be up to 15mph today…nowhere near Florida’s issues. But we are prepping to settle in for the weekend as it will likely rain all weekend. Welcome to us, not so welcome to Florida.

As I consider my role in disaster analysis, I think about what I actually want to accomplish in that field. I know I don’t want to be woken in the middle of the night to respond. I’m more on the preparedness side: I want to create disaster preparedness plans that are appropriate for the communities they serve.

Working for DEQ has been a good reprieve for my mind. A LOT of scanning, but I just get into zen mode with it and am ok. I met a member of the coastal hazards team yesterday, and that could be interesting work.

But there’s a potential offer on the table from NPS. They are reviewing my references now: that is a Cultural Anthropologist position in Lakewood, CO. I’ve waited years for this type of offer: it could mean stability for the rest of my life. And there is a climate change team in CO: to which my skills could be applicable. I think I have to take it if they offer it.

While things have been much better with B he is of course upset by this: he has decided it is important for him to stay here right now. His mother is here, and while her health is in better shape than my father’s: he doesn’t want to leave her “alone”. I get it: I did the same thing 15 years ago for my mother. But she died 12 years ago, and I can’t see NOT living my life for somebody else. Once my mother was gone there was next to nothing for me left where she lived: it was a bitter, cold winter and I had moved back to the area to be near her. Then she died: and zap. Nothing for me there. I had to start all over again, and I am still rebuilding.

B is now up and my revelry is interrupted. I need to get dressed anyway as we should walk soon. He is already grumpy and it is like most mornings: we are already picking at each other. So there’s another answer: I will resent him if I stay here for him. The advancement opportunities at DEQ are good, but note precisely in my field. Our dog is nearing his end of days though and we are both sad and frustrated. These are tough times.

I tell B people make arrangements all the time for jobs and accommodations for each other. After all, I spent the past almost 4 years dealing with his addiction. I am ready to do something for myself now.

Well, it’s time to get dressed. Before I get more frustrated. I do have an appt with my therapist today: and can go over a lot of those details.

I’m ready for some good things to happen. I’m really ready.

Under the weather

So yes, I’m sick. For the first time in around 3 years, really sick. I did have a bout last summer but that turned out to be severe smoke allergies that knocked me down for 3 days.

At least I’ve been sick enough now in my life to manage this stint like a pro: I’ve been downing liquids like nobody’s business, and increasing my vitamins. The rapid home tests seemed iffy: so I drove to take a PCR lab test yesterday to find out what I’ve got. It will test for the flu too. Hopefully my change in insurance won’t screw everything up: we’ll see.

The death of Queen Elizabeth and the onset of fall have gotten me thinking about all things English: I’m in an anglophilic mode. Is it strange that I change with the seasons: in summer I want more ukulele strumming and hula, fall into winter I want to read English novels and listen to Baroque music. Spring is any body’s game: but I do start going for more Hawaiian things then too.

Richmond has very English origins too: it’s all in the name. But also a dreadful past of slavery amongst all the other crimes against humanity the English brought with them in this country. I was just commenting to B that the English came here, inadvertently or not killed off most of the brown people, and in the midst of doing that, imported more brown people to be their slaves. Tragic AND idiotic.

Musings

Oh, I love this quiet time that is totally my own. B and I have come to some better understandings about hiking, etc. He now says he wants to go all the time. Well, I want to go all the time too! So that works out great. We are talking more: and while my thoughts have been leaning away from him (especially after a silly silly fight on Friday), I think we are finally coming together more on the same page.

I still hate that the tv or some sort of noise is on near constantly. But, baby steps. Or baby hikes. We are finally getting some more talking done: more opening up on our own. This may be in part to my being in therapy: it may also be that it is time.

The DEQ job, with advancement opportunities, I could see as being something I can do into retirement. It’d be lovely to get some fieldwork in as well: but we’ll see what happens. It still feel so odd to feel so unstable at this point in my life: but we’ll see what happens. But it’s not true instability. I have a job in the field I like, with advancement opportunities. I have a good place to live. I have a garden. I’m able to dance.

Of course, now B is up. Well, he may spend some time on his computer and ignore me. Or he may turn on the news right away. Either way, we are going for a walk. Well, he’s down in the basement for a few. So probably some reprieve until walk time at least. And I enjoy walk time: it is our time together and the dog may not be with us much longer. In fact, the walks have gotten shorter of late due to the bad dysplasia in his rear. Poor boy.

While I fantasize about just reading all day to myself, some time out of the house without B is likely good for me. I’ll post more later. Got a bit of research to do this morning as well.

Hot or not

I am a summer person. Always have been. Yet I find myself craving fall. This summer has been too muggy, too mosquito-y, just too too much.

I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Glad to have a day where I am the one up first. Even though I have an appointment at 9:30, it is a slow(er) morning. I made coffee, I am staring out the window, I am coming into my own this morning.

Next month I will be meeting up with good girlfriends to do a OR/WA coast trip. I am starting to get excited: At first I was thinking I couldn’t afford it, and I kind of can’t, but it will be good for my soul.

This turned into a 2 day post: 2nd day. My stomach is a little upset. It started yesterday afternoon on our way back from the plant nursery/ lunch. It was a little too soon for food poisoning to hit: as soon as we got in the car from the restaurant I knew I needed to book it home.

I’m still grateful for my own thoughts and the stillness of my mind. I really feel like I’m coming back into my own. I hope I’m well enough to start my new job tomorrow. If I’m still not well midday, I’ll have to let my new boss know. I’m sure, in this COVID-era, that people are grateful not to be exposed to anything. And I sure as hell don’t wanna show up sick on my first day.

We watched “King of California” last night. I take a lot of issue with the film: mostly for its lack of Mexican roles in a predominantly Mexican state. But the plot is engaging, and the roles are well cast. It is an unusual film, though, if you can suspend your mindset a little bit it’s even better.

I’m homesick for a place that may be no more. California is not the state I grew up in: things are difficult there. The drought is killing off wildlife , and the climate will never be the same there again. Still, I’d like to go back and camp at El Capitan. I’d like to lie in the Redwoods and stare at the sky. I miss California. It is an amazing place. I’m so fortunate to have been raised there: to spend the amount of time I did there.

This may be a rest day. There is so much I wanted to do: but staying home and relaxing is completely an option. Especially because I accomplished so much in the last few days.

B is feeding the animals now: that is good. I think I will grab a banana when I go down to get more coffee: that shouldn’t upset my stomach too much.

My mind is my own again: it travels to the ocean a lot. I am feeling a little weak right now but my mind is strong: I feel pretty good. It looks as though it rained “just enough” last night: the plants are wet and happier. It is supposed to rain more today. I would be happy if it rained all day. It would suit my mindset.

I love my home. The California of my childhood will always be in my mind. I am scared for what may happen there: but the whole world is a mess. I can look at the pieces of it and not become overwhelmed. I just cannot think of how climate change will eventually destroy a lot of life on this planet, and we, the humans, caused that.

Walking the dog seems easy enough but I think I’m going to lay back today. Just in case I want to be close to the restroom. I’m letting my mind take over today too: and just have a relax. Some days are meant for that.

There is also so much love and compassion in the world. If you are reading this, see if you can create some of that today. It will make the world a better place.

Still life

I love the morning quiet, but it is rare for me. B usually gets up within a few minutes of me getting up, and has either turned on the tv or some music. I don’t know what it is about people that cannot seem to be by themselves. I think it is that the loudness of their minds destroys the quiet. I myself revel in it: especially because it is so rare for me these days.

B and I are dramatically different in this way. My therapist suggested couples counseling but I’m not sure it’s worth it. I’m not expecting either of us to change: and I really enjoy my quiet time. Always have since I was a child.

I have meetings and exchanges today: and I am so tired. A bee (or wasp?) stung my arm over the weekend, and it was gnarly. B pulled the stinger out right away and it was large: the size of a rose thorn. Sunday wasn’t so bad, but by Monday it was puffing up and troublesome. Probably from the stress of Monday being a rough rough workday. I’ve iced and coddled it: taken Benadryl and ibuprofen to keep the swelling down. But if it doesn’t go away soon I may go to urgent care later, after my in-person Monday meetings. I don’t know there is any more they will do though: it isn’t puffy enough to drain. At least this morning its “fever” has gone down: it was hot to the touch last night. I had difficulty getting to sleep.

I also received another potential career option: I made the shortlist for a cultural anthropologist position in Colorado. It is the closest I’ve ever come to getting a PERMANENT position in my field. While part of me wants to race to the ocean all the time, another part of me wants to just be in a more rugged outdoorsy area: and just get to the ocean when I can. I’ve never lived more than 2 hours from the ocean though: but I’m sure Colorado has waterways and other places that will work. Even with the drought. Sigh. I am terrified for the west and all my friends and family that dwell there. Should I consider going back?

Dang I miss the largeness of the west though. Mountains, trees, waterways. To my mind it is not really living unless you have access to these things. But am I just spoiled? Is the natural area in Virginia any less wild just because it is less rugged? Have I really explored everything enough? I don’t know. What I know is I am tired and my head is exploding due to allergies. Just checked COVID test again: negative. I need to pull out the big guns: nasal spray.

It’s going to be a multi cup of coffee day: I’m already on my second. These are SMALL cups though.

I went to see belly dance performances last night. If I stay here and work this mid-level job with DEQ, and dance regularly, I could see life not being quite as bad. B will likely complain that I’m not home enough: but then he should find his own hobbies.

It is time to feed the animals, and refresh my own coffee. Oh these quiet mornings: I treasure them. Well, B is now up and I have to get ready for my in-person meetings today. I am tired but I will make it. 🙂

Laborious

Writing every morning is not always as easy as it sounds. Even just right now B and I were discussing how our circadian rhythms are different. Not just that: many things about us are different. I can see it; he refuses to.

Admittedly I vacillate. The 2 places I imagine myself being right now are Hilo and the WA coast. He doesn’t see himself in either place. Sometimes the weather here reminds me up Hilo, or upcountry Maui even. It is then I get the most melancholy. I won’t say homesick: because I never lived there. But melancholy for sure.

I’m not sure Virginia is right for me: but I’m not sure it’s wrong for me either. I haven’t found my place here yet. I have the verbal offer from the DEQ but I am still waiting for the official written one. This aggravates me, as I just gave notice based on the start date they suggested. I know I can always negotiate the start date: but these days there doesn’t seem to be enough time.

I will start hula in a few weeks: I will be up SUPER early for that every other Saturday. Once a month is only an hour away: the second time is closer to 2. We’ll see how it goes. This is all a test. I’m exited to learn from this Halau: they seem to do more craft and cultural stuff than other times.

I can’t help but feel I’m limiting myself. Yet lately I’m so tired I don’t have the energy for much more: so I try not to push too hard. I just keep things as even keel as possible. Keeping aloha in my life is not an option. It does help keep me sane and preserved.

I hope I am making the right choice by changing organizations at this point. It SEEMS like the right choice. Tomorrow I have a dermatology appointment:maybe I can get some more advice on my skin, although the damage is already done. I’m ready for some changes. WHAT those are I don’t know yet.

The sun is fully out: yet the eaves are still dripping from rain that must’ve stopped an hour ago or more. I heard it while it was still dark out. I ALMOST got up earlier. B was up VERY early because we went to bed early. I like that: he gets frustrated. I don’t know what to do about this issue. I tell him just stay up later and if he wants to continue to watch tv stay downstairs. But he likes watching more when he gets to bed. Still I am the one who has the grownup J-O-B I have to attend every day: even if I’m attending virtually.

Maybe I’ll go to the library to work today. Maybe not. I have 2 meetings, I think: I will have to see how everything goes. I am optimistic this morning: ready to tackle some things and motivate forward. I would like to read more. I have plenty of books: just have difficulty concentrating. And it’s so much easier to sit and watch a show with B: it’s even now my preferred form of entertainment, although it didn’t used to be.

I’m ready. Ready for the changes. I know what two of them are: job and hula. I don’t know what the rest will bring.

Small progress

I still don’t feel awake today. Possibly because there is no caffeine coursing through my veins yet: the water is still on the stove boiling.

It’s not so much that I WANT to live in the PNW as I IMAGINE myself there. I see myself in a small home not on but near the beach. I more imagine a small pasture around it than a view of the ocean: but that I can get to the ocean easily.

I imagine my bed tucked against a wall lined with books: I see myself gardening. And strangely, I see myself alone. I’ve always imagined it this way: I don’t know why.I’ve never imagined another person there with me: although I suppose there could be one. It’s just not how my brain processes it.

I biked to my new work location yesterday: just to see if it was do-able from my home. It was great. It was a little crazy when I crossed Belvidere: as I imagined. But I can always walk my bike that extra portion.

I suppose my little cottage could also be in Charlottesville. It could also include B: we are just so different. I struggle with this frequently. Oh well. That is what therapy is for. That is Friday.

My body is very tired today: I had no herbal remedy yesterday at all (on purpose) but I still feel fatigue. Possibly because of the bike ride: although I stretched and stretched, and I stretched this morning too.

It is quiet and peaceful this morning: B is starting to catch on to the quiet mornings. He scrolls through his phone or computer too.

I have my first meeting at 9:30, so I’m not in any rush to get started. But we do like to get a walk in before hand. Speaking of walks, I am going to sign up for the 10k I am doing with my friends in Oct: the price goes up in early Sept. Not by much: but every penny counts currently.

I am also going to look at homes to buy on the WA coast. It is still a pipe dream at this point. It would be so nice to spend a summer in a place that wasn’t overhot and full of mosquitoes. Last summer in WA I don’t think I got one bite.

Well, there are other things I’d like to do today, so I’m going to stop off here. Good familiarity. Writing has made me feel whole again.

Live a little

There is always more stuff to do: right now I made the decision of sitting to write instead of buying a dust ruffle or looking into a community college position on the Oregon coast.

I’m inclined, I don’t know why, toward the OR/WA coast. Part of it is due to my mother, yes, completely. But another part of it is I grew to love the area completely, and I miss it with my whole heart. I rarely can think of a place that feels like home: but that feels like home.

I’ll start my new position with DEQ in less than 2 weeks: that type of work is easily translatable to the west coast, in another state office, should I so choose.

Am I leaving B out of the discussion? Absolutely. Because with him there is no discussion: it is not even a possibility in his mind. Also, I’ve been thinking more about quiet. I love the stillness of the morning: coffee and now writing has become a daily activity for me. B likes to get up and put on the news or vivacious music right away: I love the calm and still. I skipped yoga while my coffee brewed, and put the clean dishes away instead. I’ll get dressed soon so that we can walk the dog after he eats, and so I can then bike ride after that while it’s hopefully still early/cool enough.

I’m really looking forward to my girls trip to the WA coast: it should be a great getaway. I need it as much as C does, getting out of her crappy marriage. Dang I’m bummed for her.

In the meantime, though: I am doing a fall of dance. Bellydance at 2 locations and on Thurs/Fri nights. Hula early Saturday mornings.

I’m feeling more excited and energetic: almost stayed in bed while B got up. Yet, despite the herbal remedy, I was awake. The morning quiet can be enjoyed also while wakeful: with coffee, some writing, and research into other positions. Now time to get dressed so I can do that dog walk.

I just don’t know

I got back on to write tonight, and I don’t know exactly what I want to say except that writing is my comfort. I started to write about a former teacher, Mr. M, earlier, but it didn’t save. One day I will write more about him: for now I will write it down so I remember to write about him later.

What does come to mind is that innocence, not ignorance, is bliss. Three things I will say about Mr. M: 1) I heard he died a few years back 2) I heard he may have had affairs with students 3) He inspired my writing and I will always remember him for that. Thank goodness I didn’t experience any of the other weirdness.

Yet I do feel that so many of the people I believed in when I was younger have or had severe emotional disorders. Which makes me wonder if a) I am attracted to this kind of person or b) There are more f*ed up people in this world than I could ever imagine. I consider it could likely be both.

I am learning to have more patience with myself and try to keep an open mind. I am starting to re-explore some of the things I enjoyed when I was younger. Bike riding. Writing. Dance. Maybe I will even try out some acting lessons or audition for a show. Lol. I need a less stressful job to accomplish even ONE of these things. For now, writing is easiest. Bike riding I have picked back up as my back pain diminishes. Dancing, ah, I will always find a dance class.

Well B is already on his way up (thought I had at least a few minutes more on my own). I want to look up dance classes as well before I sleep. I do miss being on my own sometimes.

Early daze

Woke up MUCH earlier than usual this morning: 5am. Almost stepped in a huge elephant-size shit my dog had landed just outside the bedroom door. Awesome.

I’m feeling more competent and confident: yesterday was a “good” workday, and I’ve got hopeful another one ahead of me. No herbal remedy last night: so my groggies are not there. Maybe some more over the weekend.

I had a dream with an ex in it last night: he was dressed like a Beastie Boy from the Sabotage video, with the fake mustache and all. We recently got back in touch: he is not my favorite person, and we’ve remained friends somewhat. But another friend is moving to Portland and D would make a good contact for him: so I put them in touch.

This will be a short write: I need to get dressed so we can walk the dog. I have a pretty full day ahead of me: with an in-person meetup with one of our refugees, and the group that will be sponsoring her for the next 6 months.

So answer to myself: cut out the herbal remedy at night. Even though it helps me sleep, it leaves me too groggy during the day to accomplish much. I’ll likely be thinking about Beastie Boys the rest of the day: we’ll see what happens.