grumbles


Most days I feel gung-ho and like the path I’ve chosen is a good one.  Then there are days like today, when I feel too old, too hot, and too…well, grumbly.

The heat is really getting to me.  I don’t do well in it, which forces me to be indoors…which forces me to be…grumbly.  Also being almost 40 and living with my in-laws may have something to do with it.

Yet I’m getting there. I promised myself I’d post when things are tough too because I want to encourage myself not to give up, along with others.  You’re never too old, tired, or grumbly to pursue your dreams.  You may just be tired for a little bit.

One of the things my best friend reminded me about yesterday is accountability. I’ve been upset with others for holding me back, when really it is myself holding me back.  I can still do anything I want to do.  I’m no longer ashamed to ask for help or guidance in getting there. It took me many long years of struggling on my own to get there.  I’ll continue to struggle for a bit, but I will have a secure future.  I’m determined.

I’ll admit part of what was holding me back was pain.  Physical pain is indeed a depressant, it is hard to see the light through all the pain.  Yet also the pain of having my feelings hurt, of losing loved ones.  For awhile the world seemed like an ugly place.  At times it still does.

Yet there are people out there doing things which continue to inspire me.  The men on the Paris-bound Thalys train.  The people I’ve met that seek to combat natural disaster through planting mangroves.  The people who smile for no reason when you pass them in the street.

You see, I knew writing things out would make me feel better.  For a long time I thought I’d have to leave Orange County to feel better.  Now I know I can make it, if it means getting closer to town so I can use public transport and ride more bike more often (when it’s not a gazillion degrees outside).  It’s a goal, and one I plan to make.  My baby steps are somewhat paying off, even if some days it makes it seem like I’m not moving at all.

I’m terrified of driving in this area though.  There have been too many near-misses and so I’m looking more at how I can comfortably exist here, return to school, and not be petrified every time I hit the road.

The fires all along the west coast are also depressing.  Selfishly, I hoped to get up to Washington this summer so I could “cool off.” Sadly, it is not cooler there, and the wildfires are even worse there than in California this year.  As a naturalist and park ranger, this is deeply depressing on personal and professional levels, as I see my colleagues struggling to keep us all safe.  As a disaster analyst it makes me feel that myself and others have failed in our tactics.

I won’t give up though.  I will feel better, and one day it will not be a gazillion degrees outside.  On the hot days I will accept that I cannot get much done, that it is hot outside…and maybe I won’t be so, well, grumbly.

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