I’m not one to post while traveling, and I’ve been traveling over a month. One of the places we visited was Maui, and the means of making that affordable was staying at a campground. I will relay some of the (mis)adventures here, and then, if there’s time later, recount other parts of the trip.
We’ve camped here before. There are fewer trees, and less shade, but as a result, also fewer centipedes and scorpions. My park ranger brain is on overload. Since the camp is privately run, there are few signs telling people what to do, and fewer people enforcing them. I decide to set up my own camp rules, as follows:
“Do not feed the chickens, feral cats, or meth heads. If a meth head comes wandering into camp, alert your neighbors. Also back away slowly and state loudly ‘It’s a good thing we have no money or valuables, which is why we have to stay in this camp.’
Centipede and scorpion bites can be dangerous. However, if a child in your group experiences a sting, by no means make it a priority to seek out medical attention. Instead, keep drinking with all the other adults in your group and pretend it didn’t happen. Drinking numbs your pain and also the sound of children’s tears.
We’ve placed some logs jutting out into the pathways. Feel free to leap over them if you have to make your way to the facilities during the night.
Camping is a silly activity, really. Which is why we’re ripping out tons of trees which provide shade and replacing them with ‘jungle-ows’ so we can make more money. Jungle-ows (tent cabins) rarely attract scorpions or centipedes, who like to be in shady, secluded spots. Oh, but don’t worry, if they start making their way around we’ll just spray the whole place with noxious gases.
Remember how we mentioned the tree removal? Yah, we usually start that anytime after 6 am. There’s not much dust, and when it does filter into the campground, and out on to the reef, just leave the area. Did you really want to spend your vacation camping at the campground anyway?
There’s a very large wood chipper, and construction equipment may or may not be blocking your path as you try to leave. To make this less convenient, we removed the original entry and have blocked it out with rocks. You’re trapped in the dust, I’m afraid, my friend.
Friendly camp staff will listen politely to your complaints about the meth head, and, instead of removing him from the premises, place him in a site which is far(ther) away from yours. In the night a fellow camper may attempt to shake said meth head out of his tent due to the fact he is keeping everyone else awake. THEN he will get thrown out in the morning, only to come back and do laundry later.
Oh, and the chickens? The seven or so roosters will serve to provide morning wake up calls. We realize guests usually like to rise around 3:00 a.m., as it helps to have some time to lay out your daily plans.
Enjoy your stay here at Camp ItchyScratchy. The views ARE phenomenal, and that is why you are paying us to stay here.”