Awake Dreaming Exercise

As I started to write the tags to this, I thought it would make an excellent title. So I’m going with it.  Going for certain.  I may not get to exercise today, but I will at least do this.  I will exercise my brain a little.

I know that workouts are good for me, and yet I’m lax at doing them. Unless there is a pool or ocean nearby, and then I’m good. Preferably not driving there works.  So, I may go on a bike ride with Esposo later today.

My multiple personalities are battling within me today.  Ranger Me says “Take that Yosemite job.” Responsible Me says “Keep working freelance so you can pay for that PhD”, and Hawaii Me says, “@#$% it all and move to Hawaii.”  That voice speaks to me a lot, so I’m inclined to listen.

I do have an interview with Yosemite today.  It is a seasonal position for summer.  Since I’m good at interviewing, there is a distinct possibility it will get offered.  It will require me riding backward in a tram while addressing 60-odd passengers at a time.  It will require spending up to 2 hours in a line of vehicles to get into the park for a workday.  There is a part of me that thinks it would be great to have Yosemite on my resume.  There is another part of me that wants to run into the woods and never see another human being again, and thinks, if I can’t stand LA traffic, why would I want to deal with that?  Then whether or not to stay with Esposo.  We are doing well now.  I hate to separate us for 3 months again when we are doing well. Ay, carumba.

I turned down another ranger position this summer that would have meant lots of campfires and not so much traffic.  And I could’ve found housing where both Esposo and I could stay.  I think I am rather silly, actually.  Yet more offers will come I think, and if not, I am having fun freelancing right now.  And filling out funding forms up to my eyeballs.  Oh, mighty Scholarship Gods…I beseech thee.  Let there be funding, and, if not, let there be love.  Both would be preferable.

Ay, the PhD funding.  I’ve applied to several things now, some of which are working, some are not. I’m actually scared to get a scholarship.  I would love it, but how do I plan the next 5 months of my life?  A seasonal position would be just the ticket, temporary, no strings attached, and I could come back and work summers.

Then again, I’ve just started figuring out again what it is I love.  What makes me tick.  Last night Esposo put on some bolero music and encouraged me to dance. Instead, I nearly started crying and had to leave the room.  I was also tired and had to go to bed.  Yet, why after all those years of encouraging him to dance with me, did I react this way?  I was too stirred, too overcome, and reminded…there is more to life than PhDs.  There is living just for the sake of it.

Admittedly I’ve struggled with depression the last few years.  I know exactly how to combat it: exercise, eat well, and limit alcohol intake.  I know exactly what to do, and sometimes I do do it.  I go through really great phases of this and then other phases where I wish to retreat, retreat from all human contact including dance lessons and yoga (which I know I always love).

I am rambling on today, because, as usual, my mind has no where to go, so is traversing everywhere.  There are days I feel completely contented with my life and other days I feel I am a mess, a complete mess who will not be able to fulfill her dreams, much less just earn a regular income and interact with fellow humans in a somewhat normal way.

I had a phone conversation this am with another non-conformist friend and we discussed how social prejudice had made us feel both incompetent.  She is 10 years older than me, we are both childless (and likely to remain so), and both of our marriages have hit the skids.  We feel like lepers.

Everyone wants an answer to my life state.  “Are you staying married or not? Will you have kids? Why do you want to do a PhD?  Why don’t you just [insert whatever that individual thinks I should do] here?  Why don’t you wear a wedding ring?  Don’t you love your husband?”

I throw my hands up to the universe, and say, today, “I don’t know, I don’t know.”  Maybe tomorrow I will feel like I have more answers.  Today I know I am happy with being where I’m at, because for the first time, in I don’t remember how long, I’m not worried about anything.  Especially not what people think of me.


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