Notes to mom

Remember those days in junior high you would beg and plead for me to get out of bed, and I just couldn’t?  And it just didn’t make sense that my energy was so low when I was otherwise healthy and active?  Well, the monster’s back.  Turns out may be worse when you’re older.

I’m not the type of person who likes to bitch about all their conditions online, but I can’t believe that people think Epstein barr is not a “real” diagnosis.  To them I’d like to present my bloodwork, and overly used pajamas, and legs that are too wobbly to stand well upon when I’m tired.  Not to mention the eyes that won’t stay open: starting at around 2 to 3 in the afternoon.

EBV is an explanation, though, not an excuse.  Vitamins and rest should do the trick, according to my dr.  It’s just annoying when I don’t have the energy to do any of the joyous things, or I do them anyway, and am completely and totally exhausted afterward.

Despite this news, and the fact I did not get my Fulbright, I am more encouraged today. 🙂 I don’t have a more serious disease which is wearing me down, and it is treatable.  I wasn’t sure about the Fulbright or that particular PhD program anyway (mainly because I felt so tired, though?).

I am all afresh and feeling like I am ready to try school again. I do want to spend more time in the ocean.  And like I’m capable of relying on myself more, and not seeking external motivation, but rather internal guidance.  I’m also realizing starting all over doesn’t have to be exhausting and overwhelming: it’s just another chapter in the book of my life.

I’m glad you taught me to rest and take care of myself, especially once we figured out was “wrong” with me way back when.  Not enough people rest when they should, and that is when situations become grave.  Like for you, always taking care of others before yourself.  Well, it really is my turn this time.

I can do any number of things today. I can do whatever I want.  I do not need Esposo to go with me, although if he does, it can help.

Your other daughter is crazy as always, but I won’t get into that right now.  Suffice it to say I am keeping my distance. Oh and dad, too, but I’m sure you’re aware of that one.  These are the days I miss you the most.

I am learning not to worry, as it gets you nowhere.  I am learning, as I know I will learn the rest of my life.  There is so much to learn and I never want to stop.

It is the kind of day you love: overcast and with a hint of melancholy.  I feel you closer these days, as though you’re traveling through the mist to my heart. I feel soft, and easy, and free, despite my sore throat and tiredness.  I feel full of love and self-care.  I am going to nurture me today.

Hugs from the universe.



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