baby steps

So you’d think, being yet a mere 2 years from 40, I’d have figured out some semblance of what I wish to do with my life.  Not so much.  Now that I’ve had this time to myself, what do I really enjoy?  Well, writing, for the most part. Swimming. And just not having to think about bloody all some days.  That time WILL be coming to an end, though, as I have to maintain some sort of income.

I’ve worked as a park ranger, catastrophe analyst, and teacher.  I have been trying to decide if a PhD will make sense, or maybe a teaching certificate program.  I’m leaning more toward the PhD.  It’s one more year and will give me many more options.

Sometimes I feel I’ve been TOO privileged in my career choices.  I’m good at many things, I like to try many things, but I’ve ended up with a resume that’s all over the map.  Now that I’d like some stability, it’s difficult to come by.  I meditate on what to do, and the answers are never clear.  Except to get up every day and keep trying.

I’ve tried to talk myself out of a PhD program.  It’s too much work, it requires more travel, I’m not smart enough, etc.  Yet I have no children and no other responsibilities.

I’d really just like to live somewhere where I can ride my bike every day to work without being scared, have a pleasant job and work with honorable people, and have people close by with whom I love to spend time.  Sometimes I feel this is too much to ask.  I fantasize about returning to Europe or Hawaii, but I know these places have their drawbacks too.  Sometimes I feel I have adult ADHD, and can’t keep concentration.  Yet that happens over days of time, not necessarily one minute to the next.

Small steps, maybe, baby steps, until I get my head sorted out from being so codependent? Hopefully I could work out the outdoor store during the holidays, but I even tried talking myself out of that a couple days ago.  The woman with whom I left my credentials, seemed, well, snitty.  There’s a type of holier-than-thou-I-do-yoga-500-times-a-day-and-still-rockclimb-every-weekend approach in some of these places.  What happened to all the down to earth,sensible people?

I do know that Southern California is probably not the right place for me in the long run.  But it is where I am learning to stand on my own 2 feet, walk, take those baby steps.

If anyone else has been through anything similar, I sure wouldn’t mind the feedback.  My gallbladder is hurting today, and pain definitely contributes to negative feelings.  I got an ultrasound yesterday, and realized that I may never have one for children, just for my bloody gallbladder.  Ugh.  Well, it’s time to take my health by the horns, then maybe tackle the rest.

Baby steps, baby steps.


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