fevered frenzy

Yesterday the pain was terrible, and I think I even broke a fever. I was hot and miserable all day. There’s no thermometer here, so I just kept making sure to apply washcloths on my forehead and neck so my temp wouldn’t escalate too high.

I woke up in weariness and extreme pain, so I decided to work on the PhD app.  Got through most of it, just essay writing now.  Then freaked out because I look at the scholarship page, and the paperwork for a full year fellowship is due mid-Oct, TWO FULL weeks earlier than I thought, and 3 months before the PhD application is due.

It’s a good thing I had already contacted people about references.  Yet I got through the entire app, just have to write the essays now.  Oh I was a mess yesterday.  My gallbladder and period pain were absolutely terrible, and I took a lot of ibuprofen yesterday.  I rarely take any drugs, so as a side effect I felt loopy and out of it.  I will have to go over all the information I put in yesterday at some point, and make sure it’s correct.

Today I feel better, but part of my anxiety is looking at, and filling out these applications.  The self doubt creeps in.  I’m too old for this, I’m only doing this because I’m desperate to do something with my life, my c.v. is screwed up, I’m crazy, etc, etc.  Then I also realize as I fill things in, that I have a very unique set of experiences that have all led up to this moment  Whether I get it or not, I have still tried, and I will still find a way to pursue my dreams.  That’s what I tell myself anyway.

After the ibuprofen and self-massage, the swelling has gone done a lot and I am better today.  I may give myself a break from the essay writing, or I may just try to get through as best I can, and if I get frustrated, give it a break for a day or two.

There’s a Hawaiian festival this weekend, and my hula instructor’s group is performing, so there’s quite a lot to look forward to.

Oh…thank God I can write this all out.


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