slowly waking

Although you wouldn’t realize it from my last few posts, I’m already becoming more positive.  I now exercise every day, I’m eating better, and I’ve noticed I’ve lost a little weight, even in the last few days.

I’m staring my own addiction in the face. As Tom Petty sings, “Coming down is the hardest thing.”  My addiction to my husband is unstable and unhealthy.  The pains in my gallbladder and where my cyst is are horrible during my period.  A severe reminder that I have not taken care of myself, but instead given most of what I had to him.  Not his fault. Mine.  My choice. My decision.

I’m now choosing to live without him, and I hate it.  Although admittedly the pain in my body is less than when I’m with him.  My thoughts are clearer, I’m not as muddled.  As strange and twisted as it was, he was my best friend.  We shared everything, misery included.  We would talk about Hawai’i, where we’d had so many good times, and try to plan ahead.  Yet Esposo was never good at planning as his mind took him all about, hither and yon, and rarely could he get through a conversation, much yet make the actual plans.

So I’m trying to decide what to do with myself today.  I’m in pain, I’ve have weird dreams, I slept in even though I went to bed at a regular time.  Pain and sorrow got the better of me this morning.

Yesterday I felt like getting out, doing something.  Today I feel like drawing in.  My best friend sometimes says, “Do the opposite of what you feel.”  I will likely swim at some point today, and I could work on that PhD app, but something is telling me to get out.  Not wallow.  I think I’ll seek out that beach where I may take surf lessons.  Going to the beach always makes me feel better.  Yah, I’ll do that.

As a Southern Californian I’ve never surfed. I outrigger canoe, I’ve learned to SUP, but I don’t surf.  There’s an all-woman class on Saturday mornings I’m thinking of joining.  I like the idea of being out there with others.  I’ll go look for that beach, since this is a town I’ve not lived in before.  I’ll bring my books and journal.  Maybe I’ll find a bookstore.

Yup, gonna get ready to do that now.


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