wakeful


Don’t usually have insomnia, even with stress, but here we are…awake and I’ve read, then tried to sleep…so now, I write.

A memory is sticking in my mind, so I will relay it.  It has a strange dream-like nature, and it begins with this sentence,

“There she is.”

That is what I heard the voice say, and turned to see a young man looking like Val Kilmer,  of his young and handsome days.  Or maybe like a cross between young Val and Heath Ledger.  Yes, Heath Ledger from Casanova.   Except maybe that film hadn’t been released yet.

I paused and sucked in my breath.  My boyfriend, who I’d only been dating a few months, was maybe going to pick me up in a few hours to go to Coachella.   If I answered my cell phone. Yet here before me was ValHeath Casanova.  A young man who, after a few simple steps, learned to dance salsa rather rapidly.   A young man who played cello (my own instrument!) and modeled (big surprise) in his spare time.  A truly rare individual, whom, it seems, was beautiful inside and out.

It was my friend’s wedding day, but apparently she had ordered me a gift.  It was an afternoon wedding, and the time passed too quickly.  Things I remember:   just sitting and talking, comfortably, which is unusual.  Salsa dancing.  An amazing Motown-y cover band.  ValHeath’s visage is now a bit blurry and I just remember, wow, he was handsome.  Apparently, a kind human being as well.  Either that or a bald faced liar and immensely good actor, but I doubt it.  He was one of the groomsmen.  I really liked the groom and his friends, so this seemed a fair assessment.

However, guilt, or something like it, caused me to return the boyfriend’s call and agree to have him pick me up.  He would bring a change of clothes to the car.  Years later, my own wedding, to that selfsame boyfriend.  Now, standing at the edge of a hole where my marriage was, I wonder what it would have been like to go with my gut and stay with ValHeath.

Yet I also think, hey where is the ME in all this destiny? Would my plans, my dreams, not matter either way?   If I chose ValHeath wouldn’t I still be choosing one of at least 4 possibilities:  (1) a wedding one-night stand  (2) a relationship that would’ve petered out someday anyway (3) a relationship that led to marriage and still may have petered out…or (4) –here’s where my fantasy continues– one where ValHeath and I travel South America together, eventually running a language school in paradise and staying the rest of our days with beaming children’s faces all about?

So what if I choose #4 without the partner? What if I just do exactly what I want  instead of letting my decisions be based on another–ANY other–human being?  Seeing as I’m not a parent yet, that makes sense.  I no longer wish to do South America on that scale.  But I would like to have lots more adventures.  Sure, a partner would be nice for some of those.  But wouldn’t it be great to do exactly what I want without consulting someone else?

Sure, I could call up my friend and ask if ValHeath is available (unlikely).  But why shatter the dream?  And why not start realizing dreams of my own?

 

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