Don’t usually have insomnia, even with stress, but here we are…awake and I’ve read, then tried to sleep…so now, I write.
A memory is sticking in my mind, so I will relay it. It has a strange dream-like nature, and it begins with this sentence,
“There she is.”
That is what I heard the voice say, and turned to see a young man looking like Val Kilmer, of his young and handsome days. Or maybe like a cross between young Val and Heath Ledger. Yes, Heath Ledger from Casanova. Except maybe that film hadn’t been released yet.
I paused and sucked in my breath. My boyfriend, who I’d only been dating a few months, was maybe going to pick me up in a few hours to go to Coachella. If I answered my cell phone. Yet here before me was ValHeath Casanova. A young man who, after a few simple steps, learned to dance salsa rather rapidly. A young man who played cello (my own instrument!) and modeled (big surprise) in his spare time. A truly rare individual, whom, it seems, was beautiful inside and out.
It was my friend’s wedding day, but apparently she had ordered me a gift. It was an afternoon wedding, and the time passed too quickly. Things I remember: just sitting and talking, comfortably, which is unusual. Salsa dancing. An amazing Motown-y cover band. ValHeath’s visage is now a bit blurry and I just remember, wow, he was handsome. Apparently, a kind human being as well. Either that or a bald faced liar and immensely good actor, but I doubt it. He was one of the groomsmen. I really liked the groom and his friends, so this seemed a fair assessment.
However, guilt, or something like it, caused me to return the boyfriend’s call and agree to have him pick me up. He would bring a change of clothes to the car. Years later, my own wedding, to that selfsame boyfriend. Now, standing at the edge of a hole where my marriage was, I wonder what it would have been like to go with my gut and stay with ValHeath.
Yet I also think, hey where is the ME in all this destiny? Would my plans, my dreams, not matter either way? If I chose ValHeath wouldn’t I still be choosing one of at least 4 possibilities: (1) a wedding one-night stand (2) a relationship that would’ve petered out someday anyway (3) a relationship that led to marriage and still may have petered out…or (4) –here’s where my fantasy continues– one where ValHeath and I travel South America together, eventually running a language school in paradise and staying the rest of our days with beaming children’s faces all about?
So what if I choose #4 without the partner? What if I just do exactly what I want instead of letting my decisions be based on another–ANY other–human being? Seeing as I’m not a parent yet, that makes sense. I no longer wish to do South America on that scale. But I would like to have lots more adventures. Sure, a partner would be nice for some of those. But wouldn’t it be great to do exactly what I want without consulting someone else?
Sure, I could call up my friend and ask if ValHeath is available (unlikely). But why shatter the dream? And why not start realizing dreams of my own?