what I want

Taking the time to rediscover myself is not what I thought it would be.  I imagined days of yoga and swimming, eating pure all the time, and regaining good health.  Writing. More than I have.

After the first couple of weeks though the routine got “boring.”  I am not used to doing so little.  I needed to use this demon device on which I now type to seek out future opportunities, to piece together the old enthusiastic self with new goals and new hope.

Plus, due to strange circumstances, I don’t have access to a pool as much as I would like. 😦

The result is, I had time to find a PhD program that really suits my goals and seems exciting.  I’ve begun the application process.  I wasn’t sure (still am not) some days, when I started.  I’m not smart enough, interesting enough, healthy enough, whatever, to start a new chapter of my life.  The negatives still exist, I’ve just been bowling them over with action.  Ordering transcripts from the numerous institutions where I sought out my dreams.  Stops and starts. That all led me to the place I am now.

The husband, or course, does not want to move. Again.  But the husband’s goals are no longer my goals, and I am learning how to be true to myself again, if in smaller doses than I imagined.  I didn’t imagine I’d be pursuing a PhD right now.  I imagined I would find a more stable place, work a “normal” job, be happy in the smaller things.  Yet I’ve never been happy in that role.   Everybody has to do it, I’m told.   Everybody has to work a job they don’t like.  I say no.  The unconventional has not been the most stable for me, but I’ve had many adventures. While I love children, I don’t have any yet, and that may not be my destiny.  I had to get over that feeling of social satisfaction that comes from having the life everyone else has.  But I never wanted that life, I realize now.  Children, maybe yes.  But staying in one home, one place, forever, was not my ideal.

I still would love to own a home. But, I’m learning, my stability may come through the unconventional.  If I’m able to endure a few more years of schooling, I can have a stable career professing wherever I want.  Would I have liked to be younger to do this? Yes, but if I was younger I might have chosen another, less-than-ideal route.  The type of research that is currently being done is what I need to do.

Now, to find another “temporary” job to set myself up for another international move…


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