Taking the time to rediscover myself is not what I thought it would be. I imagined days of yoga and swimming, eating pure all the time, and regaining good health. Writing. More than I have.
After the first couple of weeks though the routine got “boring.” I am not used to doing so little. I needed to use this demon device on which I now type to seek out future opportunities, to piece together the old enthusiastic self with new goals and new hope.
Plus, due to strange circumstances, I don’t have access to a pool as much as I would like. 😦
The result is, I had time to find a PhD program that really suits my goals and seems exciting. I’ve begun the application process. I wasn’t sure (still am not) some days, when I started. I’m not smart enough, interesting enough, healthy enough, whatever, to start a new chapter of my life. The negatives still exist, I’ve just been bowling them over with action. Ordering transcripts from the numerous institutions where I sought out my dreams. Stops and starts. That all led me to the place I am now.
The husband, or course, does not want to move. Again. But the husband’s goals are no longer my goals, and I am learning how to be true to myself again, if in smaller doses than I imagined. I didn’t imagine I’d be pursuing a PhD right now. I imagined I would find a more stable place, work a “normal” job, be happy in the smaller things. Yet I’ve never been happy in that role. Everybody has to do it, I’m told. Everybody has to work a job they don’t like. I say no. The unconventional has not been the most stable for me, but I’ve had many adventures. While I love children, I don’t have any yet, and that may not be my destiny. I had to get over that feeling of social satisfaction that comes from having the life everyone else has. But I never wanted that life, I realize now. Children, maybe yes. But staying in one home, one place, forever, was not my ideal.
I still would love to own a home. But, I’m learning, my stability may come through the unconventional. If I’m able to endure a few more years of schooling, I can have a stable career professing wherever I want. Would I have liked to be younger to do this? Yes, but if I was younger I might have chosen another, less-than-ideal route. The type of research that is currently being done is what I need to do.
Now, to find another “temporary” job to set myself up for another international move…