A space to cry

No place feels safe right now. No place feels like home. Dad has been running me ragged. He’s redecorating, again. He’s done this my whole life. Every 3-6 months he gets sick with what he has, sells it all (now on craigslist), buys new stuff (usually on craigslist). And the cycle starts all over again.  Thing #4 to work on: Say no to people more often.

It’s overcast here today and that is what I need. It’s been so dry in California recently that I feel the sun is burning through me. Despite putting on SPF and wearing long sleeves I still get more brown.

Even though it’s a major expense, I’m thinking of taking a solo vacation to Hawaii to just get some rest.  I could go more locally, like Palm Springs, but I feel I need a bit of island life right now. Plus I could do some reconnaissance on future employment. I’ve been employed twice in Hawaii, I think I could do it again.  Every fiber of my being is pulling me there. I guess my only fear is if I go I might not come back.

Today I feel like I may be coming down with something.  Who knows…maybe I just need to cry and call some friends. Or not call some friends. I don’t know what to say. “I have no clue what I’m doing with my life! I’m too old for this!”.

And yet I know people go through this at all ages. So no need to feel alone.  I decided AGAINST the 40 day reconstruct your life whatever it is, because it’s hot yoga and hot yoga is not good for me.

Like my best friend, I know some people might say I’m wallowing, and to get out and do something about it.  I haven’t wallowed for over 10 years at least! I think I’m due.  In fact the last time I remember wallowing was after 9/11, when for some reason I had fully convinced myself the world was coming to an end.  Well, I was much younger then.

I want to do something to make a difference in the world, but I know I need to get myself better first.  It’s time, me first. No one else first.

Strangely, I am feeling better today. Less numb. I think the numbness and apathy are the first phases of this thing.  Although if it’s anything like what I’ve experienced before, I will swing back and forth for a few weeks until  I feel solidly whole.  Eventually I will get up and out and see more people, but right now I feel insular. And THAT’S OK.  If I were a drug abuser or alcoholic, that might not be OK.  But for right now, it’s OK.

I see people all the time. In fact, I think I’m overstimulated.  I like alone time when I have the CHOICE to be with people.  Out there, in the boonies, after I go home, I’m alone.

For the past few days I felt on the verge of tears and didn’t know why. Of course I know why. I left secure employment, I left my husband. Life is full of uncertainties.  But I always felt I should be “tough enough” to handle it.  When I was growing up, Dad frowned on crying.  I eventually learned how, but always held back.  Now he’s mellowed out more, and so I have I.  I just need the space to cry, that’s all. Just a space to cry.


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