ramble on

Some days are harder than others. This morning I was wide awake, but I refused to get out of bed.  I tell myself I never get to sleep in, it’s fine, but I know I’ve been doing this for a couple weeks now and it needs to stop.

I’m working on becoming an early riser again.

Must admit, although I know it helps my mood, I can be terrible about exercise.  When my old injury flares up all I can do are gentle exercises and it frustrates me sometimes.  But the thought of yoga got me out of bed this morning, and I did about 15 minutes of gentle streches before my stomach started DEMANDING food.

SO back on the gallbladder diet. It always gives me more energy, feeling less pain, and that helps get me motivated to exercise.  I would like to be eating this way all the time.  I’ve done it before, but all it takes sometimes I feel is eating at someone else’s home, or going to a wedding, or whatever, to throw me off. Not again.

I already eat gluten-free, but I’ll also be avoiding alcohol, caffeine, dairy, red meat, whole beans, and cabbages the next 3 weeks.  I’ll be eating plenty of green beans, pears, fish, salads, and squash.  Actually getting pretty excited about it.

I have to call Boss#2 to turn down my job I accepted this summer. I know it’s better the sooner I do it, the sooner they can find someone else.  But I’ve been paralyzed. This is what I built my world around and I was so certain it would lead to a permanent parks position after this summer. But I’m up for 3 more jobs, and I need the next month to get better.  I’ve been putting off this call and this has partially contributed to my depression. I feel guilty, and yet I know I am not.  Need to work on that too. Feeling guilty and getting up early in the mornings.

I have been wracked with exhaustion and depression, and to go into the boonies where I spend most evenings alone doesn’t seem a good idea.

Being alone is not dangerous for me. I want to make it clear I’m in no danger alone there. The loneliness and overwhelming desire to call my ex kicks in though.  I have lots of friends to call, but the thing about being alone up there makes me want to call him. Which is precisely what I don’t want.  I need to be surrounded by people right now. My fellow rangers are good people; but at the end of the day we go off to our various places and are alone. Bad news. At least for me right now.

My therapist thinks I have taken all the right steps. I hope so.

I got contacted by an outrigger canoe crew yesterday and I am excited to go paddle.  That is the one exercise I can always do; so I need to be near a large body of water, and preferably, the ocean.  And, preferably, a warm climate.  I get nervous every time I go out, but once I’m on the water, my soul is at peace and I can breathe again.  I guess I found one of my answers!

Also got  return email from a hula school.  The islands have been beckoning me like an old friend recently, and I have to quash the urge to just move there.  I know from experience this is an easy enough plan. Manifestation is another matter.  I could probably do it better than most; now that I know the challenges.  I don’t feel I’m ready yet.  I need some more to give.

Living with dad is difficult too. I remember all the reasons I ran screaming from the place when I was 16.  He can be demanding and impatient.  I have to remind myself to be patient with HIM and tell him I’m not going to run for his every need.  But if I can outrigger here, and hula, and do some volunteering, I can keep myself occupied for the next couple months while I get myself more together.  I also plan to do some visits along the west coast and see some friends I haven’t seen in awhile.  Washington state is beckoning too…and I see it as a verdant dream this summer.

I just need to focus on me this summer, and thankfully, many doors are open. For this I am exceedingly grateful.  Decision making is not my best suit, though, and so that’s something else I need to work on. Right. Early rising, feelings of guilt, and making decisions.  We’ve got a good list to go on.

I think I’ll start with those 3 and see where it takes me. Oh, and exercise and nutrition too. But that’s a no-brainer.





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