working through

To write is to breathe. To give life to words and let them live. So in this way I have been a killer. I have killed my words and not let them live because I was struggling. That is no reason.

The last few months have been rather tumultuous. I won’t go into all the reasons why, but suffice it to say my life circumstances had no longer become livable and I had to make some major changes.

While I should’ve turned to writing, I was afraid. Afraid to let my thoughts out, afraid others would see them, afraid others would judge me.  I had so much advice from family, friends, and my therapist. I felt I was already swimming in it. So I let myself out.  Quit one job, turned down the offer of another, and left. All the things a “responsible” adult would not do and yet I need to change my life so badly I just had to get out.

Here I am, a not-so-young adult, staying with my father and trying to figure things out. This is the most supportive place I have to go, it is not far from the beach, and it is just easier to breathe here. And now a feel a bit more alive.  Day by day, and I still fall backward, but I’m learning what it’s like to have my own thoughts and actions again. I felt I had given myself completely away.

I am so extremely blessed, because I have wonderful friends, throughout the world, who said, “Come stay!”. Ultimately I had to make the decision for the best place at the moment, and so I decided to stay with sun and sand.

I thought once I made all my decisions there would be relief.  Instead I was plunged into this strange weird depression and panic. What am I doing? Why did I give up everything? Was it really necessary to make all those changes?

Yes, yes it was. Because ultimately I was not true to myself.  And I needed to get back.  Watched a kinda weird Greg Kinnear movie last night, “Stuck in Love,” about a writer,  and I thought, that’s what’s missing.  Not love, but writing.  Missing missing because I was scared people my read things and unearth my plans.  Maybe I was just scared to follow through with them to begin with.

A friend further north has invited me to take part in a 40-day yoga life transformation program.   At first I leapt at this, and then, thought, I don’t need to go anywhere. I can read the book and do yoga right here.  I love yoga, but admittedly am wary of anything that says “change your life in X amount of time.”  Still, it’s nice to have a goal for moving forward.  I will still look into it.  It would be good to see her. I’m just so tired of travel. I feel I need to stay in one place for awhile, maybe just go sit by the ocean and breathe.  Volunteer at a local wilderness area.  Give myself a chance again. Do some dance classes. I don’t need a full transformation per se, I just need to get back to who I am.

Things have been so dry recently and I miss the rain.  I’ve put a rain sounds track on YouTube and closed the shutters.  The last time I heard real rain was late February, before that November, and before that it had been almost a year.  One of the many many reasons I had to leave the dry place.  Seems so strange when extreme weather is bombarding my friends in other states. Maybe time to go back to disaster analysis and help out a bit.

The nature of this blog may change.  I’m planning on using it now to track my “transformation.”  Although I don’t think I need to transform all that drastically. Just get back to the person I was. To laugh more and not worry so much about if I’m doing something incorrectly.  To just do it and learn anyway.

In a few months I’ll probably be looking to travel again. That won’t ever go away. I was thinking of doing volunteer work in Latin America or Southeast Asia.  The places where major disasters happen. OK, they happen here in the States too, but I can learn from what’s going on elsewhere. If anyone has any suggestions for programs, etc., I’m game to look at them. I’ve just always wanted to go to stay a few months in Mexico or Ecuador, or even as far away as Peru, but always got talked out of it, based on others opinions.  I plan to do some research to be as safe as possible in my travels.  I also don’t have a ton of dough (especially now that I turned down work), but it is something I’ve always wanted to do.  There is probably no better time than now.

Today I am less melancholy and frustrated. Today I will be happy to get a good walk in (perhaps along the beach?), and just watch the ocean move back and forth.  I feel a bit like the ocean today.  Polluted and turbulent, but still the source of rhythm for the earth.  Always moving and changing without regret or omen.  Today it’s ok to be everywhere and nowhere at once.

Just breathe.


3 thoughts on “working through

  1. I love reading you, it’s like a heart to heart with a friend. Minus the gallbladder issues, can feel your issues over your life changes…scary but be true to yourself;) peace friend, Kim

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