what I want


What I want is to curl up with a blanket and some good tea and hear the rain. I heard good rain a few weeks ago, before then it had been nearly a year. And I didn’t get the chance to snuggle up and have tea. I had to run errands that day.

I miss tranquility. I feel I have been able to bring it in to my life through meditation and the forced slow-down I recently decided to take. But I miss those moments that I always felt truly IN, those days that felt like they would never end, and the coziness of love.

When I was a kid, on rainy days off from school, Mom would build a fire and we would play cards. Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup were the order of the day. Mom had a padded armchair with a boisterous floral pattern on it, and I would crawl up in her lap and we would doze next to the fire.

On Sundays, many times, we would spread out the paper and read it cover to cover. Sometimes, in her bed, sometimes, on the couch and living room floor.

Even though I don’t have kids of my own (and may never have), it seems as though those days are hard to come by. I realized how hard Mom worked to make sure those times were cozy and comfortable, especially when so much turbulence was going on in my parents marriage.

Right now in particular though I am missing the Washington coast. I don’t care that the ocean is too dangerous to swim in, I miss gazing out at it with a hot beverage and watching the mist flow through the evergreens on the cliffs. My husband and I went camping there shortly after Mom died, and it was one of the more tranquil times I have experienced in later years. Although we had to abandon the campsite during the day, taking in cafes, museums, and galleries (oh the horror), we came back, hunkered down at night, and listened to nature pelt our camper shell.

Well, someday soon I will make it back. Even in the summer it can be drizzly and grey on that coast. And I will be grateful for it. Ecstatic, actually.

Hmmm, maybe I have recovered a bit of tranquility. I am cozy here in my bed, coffee and my laptop, one of my new morning weekend routines.

Love yourself today.

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